MANHATTAN – A new year is often the time when people make resolutions to exercise more, eat healthier or save more money.
But Kansas State University child development specialist Bradford Wiles says one of the best resolutions that parents can make is to strengthen the connection with their children.
“The biggest thing that I would advocate for is intentionality,” Wiles said. “What we know about parenting is that oftentimes we react and are working toward meeting needs without considering all of the other things that are part of those interactions.”
“But,” he adds, “if I could wave a magic wand, I would say if you are going to have a resolution, then resolve to work directly with your child and be intentional in your interactions with them.”
For parents, that could mean making additional time to read to young children, or involving them in preparing their lunch. Even young children can help with laundry by putting their folded clothes into their drawers.
“Kids want to be like mom and dad, or like aunt and uncle,” Wiles said. “It’s our job to show them how to do that, to be really intentional – and the greatest thing is that it is its own reward. When you’re doing that and they’re paying attention and you’re able to build that bond, it is good for parents, too. It’s not just children that benefit.”
He adds: “We do that pretty well during the holidays; you know, we take them shopping, we take them to other people’s houses for celebrations … But throughout the year is a great time to continue to do that, to continue to have them involved. That’s how you build that positive relationship. Not only the time, but quality time. So being intentional, and including children in the things you do is such a tremendous way to build a great relationship.”
As parents interact with their children more purposely, the child also begins to develop more self-worth, Wiles said.
“I vividly remember vacuuming with my mother and feeling like I was contributing in that way, and building self-esteem and self-efficacy,” he said. “It’s really crucial for children to be able to identify with things that are good.”
As children grow, parents can also be intentional in how they increase their helping skills. For example, younger children may first be taught to wash spoons, but as they grow older, they can move up to forks and knives. And when the child does well, help them understand why it was a job well done.
“Use the word ‘because,’” Wiles said. “Children may not understand ‘why’ things were great. So tell them, ‘you did a good job because you used the towel the way I showed you,’ or, ‘you put enough soap into the basin. …’
“It’s about helping them understand that you care about their development. As a parent, you are always modeling behaviors and providing feedback, and helping them understand why things are ‘good.’”
Wiles also said parents should be intentional in putting down electronic devices in favor of spending time with children. He said when parents are constantly looking at phones or tablets, “you’re modeling this as socially acceptable.
“You are essentially saying that ‘whatever is on the phone or tablet is more important than you are,’ and I just don’t think that is the message we want to convey,” Wiles said. “I would submit that we have plenty of time for that after our children go to bed. It is important for us to pay attention and be intentional and engaged because it goes by very quickly. It makes a big difference in our children’s lives.”
Wiles adds: “Positive attention goes a long way in preventing behavior problems. At our core, we want to be loved and we want attention from our loved ones. Children will certainly remind you of that, and I think it’s good that you want to be there for them. One of the greatest things to honor that is you can show them that they’re valued.”
More information and tips for raising healthy families is available online from K-State’s School of Family Studies and Human Services.